Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Burdened With Inadequacy

There is a little piece of truth I hide from myself.  I keep it covered over just beyond the edge of my mind.  Once in awhile, when I'm not careful, it pops up and forces me to see it.  It's only there for a fleeting moment before I avert my gaze and cover it once again so I don't have to face it.

To be candid, if I face this truth full on, if I take it out and examine it, then I will not only have to do something about it, I will have to admit that I have failed.  And one of my biggest fears is failure.

This little piece of truth is not really all that little.  And I'm pretty sure that more than likely what I try to hide from myself is not at all hidden from anyone that knows me.  It's definitely not hidden from God.

But yet, I continue to deceive myself that as long as I don't look at this truth full on, it is not so.

The truth?  I cope.  

That's it.  I cope.  I spend each day getting things done that can no longer be left undone.  I feed people because they require sustenance to live.  I get children up and out the door because they have some place they have to be.  I attend appointments to keep us healthy or looking civilized.  I work because it is income.  I volunteer because it is the one last thread I am trying to hold on to that connects me to a world outside of my home.

Somehow, most things get done.  But they aren't usually done until they have to be done.  And then, they usually aren't done as well as I would want them to be done.   

And that is where I feel I fail.  Because I would like to do this thing called motherhood well.  I would like to do this project of homemaking well.  But I don't.  I dream, I plan, I attempt.  I fail.

I would like to have myself and my family and my home organized with a working routine established.  But I don't.  I would like to have all our meals planned ahead so I'm not scrambling by 5 pm.  But I don't.  I would like to have a cleaning schedule I follow faithfully so I am not up late the night before someone is coming over clearing piles and vacuuming.  But I don't. 

As I struggle with this seemingly endless burden of wallowing in unaccomplished failure, I have begun to ask myself a few questions.  Questions like, where did I get the idea of what our home and life should look like?  Who am I trying to be like?  Do the things I feel I should be doing better truly need changing?  Where does this burden of inadequacy and failure stem from?

I have no answers yet, maybe I never will for some of my questions, but I have started on a journey of trying to uncover who I am vs who I think I should be.  I have a feeling it's not going to be an easy journey.

And I really don't think I am alone.  I think feelings of inadequacy and failure is something that a lot of women struggle with.  Maybe if we stopped comparing ourselves to one another and supported each other instead we might just reshape our worlds.

Thursday, June 4, 2015

Thrifting Fun Re-Discovered

For the past 8 1/2 years I have found myself to be in a bit of a rut.  A lovely, life-giving, nurturing, amazing rut, but a rut none the less.  During these last 8 1/2 years, I have been pregnant, breastfeeding and continuously carrying a small person on my body.  And these have all been done simultaneously.

Life is a little simpler now that I have only Dylan for most days.  He's going to be 3 in a few months so some things, like getting dressed beyond yoga pants and a t-shirt for example, are a lot easier.  I actually strive to wear things I LIKE, not just things that are clean or breastfeeding accessible.  Some days I even have time to put thought into both my outfit AND my accessories.

I've also been trying to use some of my new found time to continue sorting various area of our home that have been neglected for awhile.  Our bedroom has been one of these areas.  I was sincerely surprised when I discovered a box of my jewelry stashed on top of my armoire to keep it out of reach of tiny hands.  I had forgotten about it.  Sorting through it was like opening a wonderful, unexpected present!  It was a walk down memory lane as I recalled acquiring most of the items and how much I enjoyed wearing them.

But in truth, I was really rediscovering just how much I enjoy pretty things.  In a house full of little's with all the many needs that come with little's and their sticky hands, there hasn't been much of me left to focus on unnecessary pretty. 

Another fun thing I recently rediscover - THRIFTING.  How fun is that!

A couple of months ago, after dropping off a van load of donatable goods at Value Village, I decided to go in and do some browsing.  It was my first time in the store that had opened sometime in the last couple of years.  I had previously donated there, but had never gone in. 

I was in need of a new wallet as mine was tattery and starting to split.  I was specifically looking for something not black and I found a deep red one.  So I also bought this pretty purse to put the new wallet in.  Since I no longer need to take a diaper bag with me everywhere (yay!!), a slightly bigger purse is ideal for me right now to slip water bottles, snack cups and a couple of toys into.

Cute new shoes!!

I've since made another shop in the store and these are my favorite find yet:  cute new shoes!!

Recently Luke and I went out for an evening of just the two of us that consisted of dinner out and listening to a band a friend of ours plays bass in.  I wore my new shoes.  We shared a table with another friend, Alanna, who just happens to be the wife of the bassist.  I was so pleased with myself (really, it was just my new shoes I was so pleased with) that I made sure to point them out to her.  She's actually the one who has inspired me to enjoy thrifting again.  She's also the very lovely author of the blog, Selfbinding Retrospect, where she does a Thrift Blitz that I'll be linking this post too.  Hop on over to her blog website to see all the treasures she finds.